Martin van de Loo – Traumatherapie Berlin
Book a session

Therapy for Gay Men in Berlin: Understanding Shame and Relationship Patterns with NARM

Zwei Männer sitzen am Wasser, einer legt den Arm um den anderen – Therapie für schwule Männer Berlin

Gay therapist Berlin-Kreuzberg: Are you gay, bi or a man who loves men, and some things in your life feel harder than they should? Maybe it’s a shame you can’t think away. Relationships that keep getting stuck at the same point. Sex that doesn’t feel free. Or the feeling that you always have to hold yourself together. With me, you don’t have to explain or justify anything: not your sexuality, not your relationship style, not the way you live. We can start right where it matters to you. I work in a body-oriented way, with NARM and Somatic Experiencing. My practice is near Bergmannstraße / Mehringdamm U-Bahn.

Why Gay Men Come to See Me

  • Shame, perfectionism and the fear of being seen: the quiet feeling of being different, wrong or too much, and of not belonging, often long before coming out. Because showing yourself fully once felt dangerous, many men only show the sides that are well received, and reduce themselves to their body, achievements or success. Peter Fässlacher describes this vividly in his book “Die schwule Seele” (in German). One study calls it the “Best Little Boy in the World” (report on Salon). More in my articles on toxic shame in gay men (in German) and perfectionism (in German).
  • Love, relationships and sexuality: closeness that feels scary. Patterns that keep repeating. Sex that feels disconnected, performance pressure, difficulty bringing desire and intimacy together. Limerence (in German). Questions about open, polyamorous or monogamous relationships. See also fear of commitment (in German).
  • Chemsex and substance use: when drugs take up more space in your sex life than feels good for you. More in drugs and trauma in the LGBTIQ+ community (in German).
  • Masculinity and body image: the pressure to seem “man enough”, not to show feelings, or to match a certain body ideal, inside and outside the scene.
  • Late coming out, loneliness and getting older: when you come out later in life, perhaps after a marriage to a woman or with children, or when you feel alone in a scene that often revolves around youth.
  • Minority stress from family and society: the traces that devaluation, bullying or violence leave in the nervous system. Rejection, silence or estrangement in the family, sometimes shaped by religion. The feeling of not being understood for who you are. More about minority stress (in German).
  • Living with HIV: a diagnosis, stigma and fear, and for older men also the traces of the AIDS crisis. Medical questions belong with your doctor. I support you with the emotional side.

How I Work

My main focus is NARM, the NeuroAffective Relational Model. NARM assumes that as children we had to develop survival strategies, such as making ourselves invisible, trying to please everyone or switching off our feelings. Gay men in particular often learned early on to hide a part of themselves. These strategies made sense back then. Today, they sometimes get in the way of what you want for yourself.

In each session, we start with what you’d like to work on: what do you want for yourself today? Then we explore together what gets in the way. It’s not about fixing you, but about gaining more freedom of choice. More about NARM survival strategies (in German).

When tension, numbness or exhaustion are in the foreground, I also bring in Somatic Experiencing. This lets us work more directly with your nervous system and body sensations, in small, carefully paced steps.

Depending on the topic, hypnotherapy (in German), Ego State Therapy (in German) or EMDR (in German) can also be part of our work. You’ll find an overview under trauma therapy methods (in German).

Gay-Affirmative Therapy: What That Means in Practice

For me, gay affirmative therapy in Berlin means more than being open-minded. In practice, it means:

Sex-positive: Your sexuality is part of who you are, not a symptom. We can talk openly about desire, fantasies, kinks and substance use, without moralising.

No judgment of how you live: open, polyamorous, monogamous, single, dating apps or the scene. You decide what’s right for you.

I’m gay and queer myself. I know many of these topics from my own experience and have worked on them myself, and some of them I’m still working on. In the German Somatic Experiencing association, I founded the Queer Working Group (AG Queer). You won’t have to explain the realities of gay life to me.

 

Neurodivergent Affirmative Therapy 

First Session, Fees and Framework

The first session: Instead of a free introductory call, I extend the first session at no extra cost. That way we can answer your questions and already start working together.

Fee: One session (60 minutes) costs 95 euros. Statutory health insurance doesn’t cover the costs. Private insurance may, depending on your policy.

Chemsex and addiction: I don’t treat addiction. If you’re dependent on substances or your use puts your health at risk, that belongs in medical treatment or addiction counselling. Alongside that, I can work with the stress and trauma behind the substance use. Clarifying this with your doctors and therapists is your responsibility.

More about the process, cancellations and limits on the Book a Session page.

What I Don’t Offer

  • No addiction treatment: I don’t treat substance use disorders, as I’m not permitted to as a Heilpraktiker für Psychotherapie. Whether therapy with me makes sense alongside other treatment, and in what form, we’ll decide case by case, if necessary in consultation with your doctors.
  • No medication: Only medical doctors can prescribe medication. But medication and therapy with me don’t exclude each other.
  • No conversion therapy: You’re fine as you are. Of course I don’t offer anything aimed at changing your sexual orientation.
  • No therapy for children or adolescents: I only work with adults aged 18 and over. For children and young people, please contact a child and adolescent psychotherapist.

FAQ

Is the therapy only for people who identify as gay cis men?

No. Whether you see yourself as gay, bi or queer, have sex with men without using any of those labels, or simply aren’t sure: you’re welcome. This also applies to trans men and non-binary people who recognise themselves here.

Of course. You decide how openly you live. And if you’re wondering whether, or to whom, you want to come out, you set the pace.

Yes. If you like, we can look together at what role it plays for you and what it gives you. If you’ve been diagnosed with an addiction, or think you might have one, the note under “What I Don’t Offer” applies.

Only if you want to. We start with what’s on your mind today. Earlier experiences come in when they’re relevant to that. And when they do, we look at them from your adult perspective today, which helps reduce the risk of retraumatisation.

Further reading: Queer Therapy · Neurodivergence Therapy (in German) · Trauma Therapy Methods (in German)

Book a Session

If you recognise yourself here, feel free to book a session or get in touch.

Go to My Calendar

Further Reading (in German)

My Articles about Gay Topics